Suicide

This should be interesting...

So I am in Idaho right now with one of my most wonderful friends preparing for her wedding which is tomorrow. I got here on Monday and have been able to spend the whole week with them. I thought I was coming to help them, but things don't always go to plan, and I have been in much more need of help than they have. 

Since coming here I had a nerve problem. There is a nerve in my face that is malfunctioning or something because it causes absolute agony from my cheekbone to the bottom of my jaw. Pain that prevents me from falling asleep. Pain that wakes me up if I do manage to sleep. Pain that makes me have to lay down. Pain that makes me have to get up and pace. Horrible, horrible pain. I have had malaria, typhoid, crazy headaches, foot troubles...nothing has compared. 

Before this happened I have known people who are suicidal and have close friends who in the past have tried to take their lives and as much as I felt sorrow for them, I could not comprehend the thought process behind that. This pain has changed me. In the midst of the pain I understood what it was to long for anything to end it...even death. Before there was always a fear of the pain that would come with death, but in the midst of this pain death sounded so soothing.  My brain could not even think clearly...it saw the hammer on the counter, the easy to cross railing on the deck, the knives in the drawer...and it took all of my self control to simply keep pacing and praying. Now I understand what it is like to hurt so badly you cannot fathom any way out. While my pain is treatable with doctors help, my heart goes out to those who are suffering from grief that is not so easily treated. I hope if you are in pain you can hold onto hope. And if you know someone hurting don't tell them you know how they feel...just tell them you love them, and you're sorry, and it's worth holding on. 

P.S. I appreciate your prayers as I continue to try to get this nerve healed up before I move to NZ!